Welcome, Puny Humans

Things we have learned in your absence:

• The toaster will heat up a bath full of water, but not in a good way.
• It takes 5.3 hours, working at random, to put every single video in the wrong box.
• The shelves in the hallway are weaker than anticipated.
• John’s book collection contains 84 532 pages which are essential to plot. It takes 327 mugs of coffee to put a brown stain on each of these pages. This is an average rate of just over 258.5 pages per mug.
• John’s Doctor Who memorabelia is worth a combined total of £7680.72 on eBay, but only £327.15 at a car boot sale.
• Current fire-prevention supplies in the flat are insufficient. See point 1.
• Our longest extension lead will not let the TV play all the way to the street, instead you get sparks as it passes the third floor windows.
• The electricity meter can be used as a fan, if you have enough plug adapters.
• The following items are flammable: Paper. Carpets. Electrical cables. Visitors. The clothes hanger. John’s room. Tea.
• Edinburgh doctors no longer give cash for bodies.
• We can only get the smoke-machine accessory bit of John’s mixing desk to work. Current fire provisions remain a concern.
• John’s credit card is accepted in most Edinburgh hotels.

That is all.

Love,
The Martians
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